Nine (as told through my fast forward button)

With a few notable exceptions (Sound of Music, and more recently A Star Is Born), I'm not a big fan of the no-holds-barred musical. Nine is a big ol' traditional musical with not a lot of character background and a whole lotta signing right up front. But I had to see it, right? Daniel Day Lewis, Penny Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard & cutie Kate Hudson? C'mon - this is like the sweepstakes of gorgeous people all mashed into one movie!

That said, even a grillion drop-dead actors couldn't get me to stop pressing my fast-forward buttons through the parts that made me embarrassed, which were often and many - so that the actual screentime for this movie at my house ended up being about an hour. Everyone looked good, but after A Single Man, I just couldn't get all the way down with the pseudo-60's Italian styling that clearly comes from the same decade that produced the Pink/Mya/Li'l Kim version of Lady Marmalade. That vid actually seemed more of a core influence for the costumes in Nine, rather than the O.G. Fellini. It's just not kooky enough, dig? If you wanted to make a sequel to Moulin Rouge, you get a B-, as it stands, I give Nine a D+. Let's face it - just Kate Hudson alone, shimmying around in a silver sparkle mini should've kept me interested in this movie. fail.

A Single Man

I knew when Tom Ford made a movie that it would be heartbreakingly stylish, the actors would be inhumanly beautiful, and that every scene would be shot p.e.r.f.e.c.t.l.y, and it was all that. Besides living up to my impossible expectations, any movie that a) stars Julianne Moore and b) Spends about 10 minutes of screentime just filming the application of her eyeliner, to me, is a winner by any stretch.

I don't know anything about the author who's novel was the basis, but the pace and distance from its subjects maybe feels a little familiar if you've read JD Salinger, Truman Capote, and frankly wasn't at all why I was watching this movie. What made A Single Man awesome were single elements combined into a slurry of color, architecture, cars, fashion... mood.

*sigh*

TOP QUOTES FROM MURIEL'S WEDDING

7.) "And you three, what a bunch of cocksuckers!"

6.) "Now, now, now - just a minute - you can't come in here and threaten brides, I don't care how unfortunate, you are!"

5.)"Bill: Did Perry interview for the police force yet?
Betty: Yes but they said he couldn't join because he was too tall."

4.) "We wouldn't want you to spend the entire holiday alone. It's not like in high school where you should feel your not good enough to talk to us."

3.)"Beauty Consultant. I advise women on their lipstick, base and eye liner. (to Japanese businessmen) But you should all know about make-up. Your wives must be geishas."

2.) "You're terrible, Muriel."

1.) "That's because my life is as good as an Abba song. It's as good as Dancing Queen."

Badass Stephen King Movies: Part Deux

Stephen King's more 'off the radar' excellent films:

1.) Children of the Corn- shit yea
2.)Secret Window-Johnny Depp living the dream
3.) Just to re-iterate, The Stand- made me have a crush on Gary Sinise. Don't ask...
4.) Salem's Lot-absolutely has one of the creepiest scenes ever. See link. No seriously, see the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC5HZzjjI9Y
Bonus points for the killer poster artwork and Fred Willard as a super-slut in short shorts
5.) It- i've never actually watched this, but it makes my list by default as the only stephen king story i was too scared to finish
6.) THINNER!!!!- i freakin' love this story, definitely need to revisit the movie
7.) The Mist- not stephen king's finest work, but the movie's ending is vastly improved from the way the book actually ends.
8.) Totally agree with Dreamcatcher btw- saw that flick at a 9th grade slumber party after everyone else had passed out and that part when the animals ran by, I looked around wide-eyed at my unconscious friends and was like, "for realz?!!?!?"

Trivia Note: Stephen King wrote/or inspired (ed note: this hasn't been fully researched) an episode of 'the twilight zone' in 1986 called 'gramma'

Top 10 Bad Ass Stephen King Movie Adaptations

Let's face it kids, this ain't all Cannes Palm d'Or stuff here, but there's a LOT of material to choose from, so let's go:

1. The Shining - this is a NO-BRAINER. I do. not. care. that it strays significantly from the book, because it's BETTER than the book. That's right, you heard me - I said it aloud. Stanley Kubrick takes a pretty good book and makes it into a freaking horrorshow of Jack Nicholson/Overlook Hotel awesomeness. If you're wondering if something is intentional in this movie, it is... for sure. Kub is the man, and those twins will make the hair on my arms stand up for the rest of my freaking life.

2. Shawshank. Clearly, one of the best buddy movies of all time. Also, Frank Darabont's finest moment. You could make the argument that the improbability of some of the plot elements detour into schmaltz, but c'MON, tell me you don't get misty when Red and Andy hug on the beach! Plus, if this movie's playing on tv, you basically have to stop and watch it, because it's so awesome. (I have a friend of mine who gave this phenomenon a name - it's called being "Shawshanked", when you unexpectedly get hijacked by a movie.) Bonus: put the movie Gilda on my radar, a not-to-be-missed Rita Hayworth classic.

3. Misery - Two words: Annie Wilkes. I rest my case. Note to Paul Sheldon - that penguin ALWAYS FACES DUE FUCKING SOUTH! You better remember that next time if'n you don't wanna end up walking funny for the rest of your life.

4. Carrie - Not only an awesome vehicle for Sissy Spacek in the area of creepy looking women who aren't technically creepy (see also: Shelley Duvall). Piper Laurie shines as the crazy fundamentalist mom, and supporting asshole characters as executed by John Travolta, The Greatest American Hero and Nancy Allen, who is pretty much the best "Mean Girl" of all time.

7. The Dead Zone - again, the not technically-creepy-but-creepy-anyway Christopher Walken knocks it out of the park w/ those creepy flash-forward spectator scenes. The coma doctor is a excellent supporting character, and that raincoat/scissors scene is vividly, classically, David Cronenberg.

6. Dolores Claiborne - love this movie. It's not the most uplifting, but has a great eerie mood, and Kathy Bates nails it again. Supporting asshole characters executed by Christopher Plummer, David Strathairn, Jennifer Jason Leigh and that woman who plays the EPICALLY bitchy Vera Donovan. The eclipse scene is awesomely surreal.

7. The Running Man - THANK YOU Richard Dawson for being in this movie. "IT'S TIME TO STAAAART RUNNING!"

8. Stand By Me - It all starts with the question: "Hey, do you wanna see a dead body?". Then it becomes a visionquest for vintage tweeners. I still remember hearing about Lardass and the blueberry pie eating contest when I was still a kid, and it was super satisfying to see it come to life on the big screen.

9. I'm dedicating the number 9 spot to made-for-tv: The Stand and Salem's Lot. The fact that anyone EVEN TRIED to make The Stand into a mini-series is just awesome, and whenever it's on tv, I always loiter there for a while, because it's such a great story. Superflu: one of my top 10 teenage fears, after reading The Stand.

10. Dreamcatcher - I love horror movies where the number one downside to anyone surviving is seclusion. When you see all the animals of the forest running the hell outta Dodge en masse, you KNOW something bad is about to happen.

Movie Review: Niagara

Ok, for starters. Max Showalter...what the fuck. Very likely the most annoying person I've ever watched on film. He played 1/2 of the "idyllic couple". No WAY that dude could have ever gotten that babe (Jean Peters) even though she was annoying.

I pretty much only watched this movie because I heard it was MM's sluttiest film. Joyce Carol Oates seemed to think it formed her persona for the rest of her career. On that note, MM is pretty much a bad ass in this movie (although she's pretty dumb too-but wears fuschia dresses so its ok).

Overall its not bad for an old-timey thriller. I like the fact that it takes place at Niagara Falls, it adds a little bit of intrigue and they use some cool shots and water gushing noises.

And one last thing to add. This movie had a good ending, but the WORST last line ever.

I'll leave you with this,

Police Cpt: "I bet that was the first time anyone ever used, 'scuttle it' as a prayer."

Annoying Husband: "And had it answered!"

Together: Cheesy laugh

Ummm........

Part III of Infinity: Musicians Turned Actors Edition

David Bowie - Duh. The Hunger, anyone? Labyrinth? Man Who Fell To Earth? Not to mention playing Andy Warhol in Basquiat - whoever thought of that was a friggin genius. I rest my case.

The Inimitable Ms. Dolly Parton - Her turn in 9 to 5 was brilliant, and I'll never be the same after seeing The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. Seriously. And let's not forget Steel Magnolias.

Mark Wahlberg - Boogie Nights. Three Kings. The Departed. - the kid can actually act. And even when he can't, I'm probably the only person on planet earth who actually liked The Happening. (Bonus points for creating Entourage, which is a really fun show)

Meatloaf. All he really ever needed to be in was Rocky Horror. But then he showed up in Fight Club in a role equally appropriate! (Bonus: was also in Spice World)

Kris Kristofferson : Convoy?!? Hel-lo, can you even think of another classic movie about semi trucks?!? (and, no, Maximum Overdrive does not count)

Bette Midler: Hey, I'm no gay man, but even I love Bette. I do not care what anyone says, Beaches made me bawl like crazy and The Rose is an awesome movie in the epic-rock-star-breakdown genre. The rest of her resume boasts fluffy fun like Down & Out In Beverly Hills, Big Business, First Wives Club, etc.

Ludacris - Luda was good in both Crash and Hustle and Flow. In fact, I made a whole peeps diorama dedicated to H&F.

Will Smith: Yawn. I'll let Shelley defend that position if she wants.

Tom Waits: Shows up pretty much where makes sense - Down By Law. Mystery Train. The Fisher King. The Outsiders?

Madonna: Ay-yi-yi.

Barbra Streisand: We don't talk about her here on this blog.

Part II of Infinity: Comprehensive Edition

Dramas:
The Hurt Locker - this was actually really good, even tho I hate war movies
Flame & Citron - very good-looking Danish resistance fighters in WWII epic
Queen Margot - the most beautiful French actress of all time in huge bloody epic romance with hot-hotty frenchman
Finding Neverland - Johnny Depp should never grow up

TV:
Weeds - super entertaining and cute 1/2 hour show
Six Feet Under - I bawled my brains out at the series finale
Sopranos - It is as awesome as everyone says.

Old-Timey Movies!
Double Indemnity - "How fast was I going? I think around ninety."
The Third Man - cool angley shots, great music, great last scene
Notorious (In Jenny's top 3 favorite movies of all time)
The Women! This should be mandatory viewing for you, it's awesome.

1970's
The Deer Hunter - super intense, but awesome
3 Days of the Condor - Robert Redford spy intrigue, very fun. Features REALLY old technology.
All the President's Men - Woodward & Bernstein!
Midnight Cowboy - bleak, but classic
Marathon Man - "Is it safe?"
The Hot Rock - super fun jewel heist film w/ Robert Redford

Weird/Goofy/Cult/Disco
Xanadu - Olivia Neutron Bomb + Roller Skates + ELO = disco insanity
Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (starring Peter Frampton and featuring the music of The Beatles)
Sid & Nancy (VERY formative in my life, I probably don't have to tell you that)
Videodrome - starring a certain Ms. Deborah Harry

Regular Horror:
MAKE YOURSELF WATCH ALIEN. It's mandtatory you watch that movie at least once in your life.
The Changeling - not the one with angelina jolie, but the older horror movie.
Hannibal - A lot of people didn't like it. I am not among them.

Japanese Horror:
Battle Royale - a bunch of teenagers on an island and they have to kill each other - very messed up
Oldboy - indescribable. Also extremely messed up and violent.
Ringu (duh)
Pulse- apparently red tape keeps ghosts out.

Part I of Infinity: Documentary Edition

The Bridge - documentary about the people who jump off the golden gate bridge
Encounters at the End of the World - awesome doc about the smartie nerds that live on Antarctica doing super-cool science stuff like neutrinos, volcanoes and studying animals
This Film is Not Yet Rated - awesome documentary about how they really decide on movie ratings, it's so messed up
Art & Copy - pretty good documentary about important moments in advertising
Religulous - I love bill maher, even tho he's probably a db in real life
Maxed Out - horrifying documentary about the evil menace that is credit card companies
Word Play - doc about crossword puzzles. I really liked it, but I also really like crosswords - has lots of good cameos like Jon Stewart and Bill Clinton
Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man - I heart Ralph Nader and his idealistic political ideas
Enron: The Smartest Guys In the Room - traders with hearts of coal
The Corporation - stuff you probably don't want to know... but should
Food Inc. - lets just say some permanent changes to my eating habits happened after this movie
Frontline: The Persuaders - this is an AWESOME episode about how certain people influence our buying habits.

Here are some more of my fave Frontline eps:
Frontline: The Medicated Child
Frontline: Digital Nation
Frontline: The Dark Side
Frontline: The Madoff Affair
Frontline: College, Inc.
Frontline: Inside the Meltdown
Frontline: The Card Game

Book Report: Blonde

Book Report
Celeb Lit 101
6/13/10

Things I learned about Marilyn Monroe:
(keeping in mind this book is labeled as "fiction")

-Was besties with Marlon Brando. They had a suicide pact
-Her and Arthur Miller loved each other the most
-Lived in an orphanage
-Never posed for or even met Hugh Hefner. He bought those pics from a random
-First love was Cass Chaplin (Charlie's son) He was gay with another actors son and they all lived together as a 3some
-Never had a pet
-Never had a dad, mom lived in a mental institution her whole life
-Jo DiMagio beat her, buuut she didn't really care
-She hooked up with a LOT of people
-She hooked up with a LOT of people in the industry
-She hooked up wtih a LOT of people to get a job
-She had some babies, that's lets just say "weren't born". she wanted one with arthur miller, but had a miscarriage
-She sounds like she was pretty dumb, and honestly, not very interesting besides being glamarous
-Wore a wig most of the time

THE END

MISSION STATEMENT

SUCCIENT movie and book recommendations for busy professionals who are too busy to bother with the whole story.